Month: September 2012

I’ve been in China for nearly a month now. Actually, I’m not quite sure as I’ve lost count.

The past two weeks have been a grey haze. One being that I was ill, including spending a day at the hospital, and I had food poisoning before that…and the realization I’m finished. And, like I was warned, it’s just downright depressing.

Daily reminders to myself that “I can not go on forever”. I started planning around May 2009. That’s a lot of time dedicated to one endeavor. This has been my life, for the most part since then.

I’m also a bit bummed when I think of the Summer of 2012. I feel like I just didn’t ride that much. The Central Asian deserts and Civil Wars really put a damper on a lot of the dreams.

Last week my back was really acting up and could barely crawl out of bed. It’s pretty bad.

Currently I, and another solo female cyclist, are planning a Winter Expedition. It’s still in the “Top Secret” phase so if it does go off…I need to begin to recover. Frankly, there are worse places to hang out and photograph than Kashgar and Xinjiang.

So, I have this winter ride to keep my head straight along with my other ideas. Some of them require very little funds and time and others involve a lot of training, funds, and a support team. Of course cycling Africa is in the top 5. The other expeditions are without a bike, or some other mode of transportation.

Yeah, I’ve been a bit under the weather. That’s painting a pretty picture, I’ve been downright depressed. I try not to beat myself up about it, that just makes it worse. Trust me, I know. This is an emotional state I’ve battled against since I can remember. You can call my mom and ask her all about it.

Although, over the past 3 years, I’ve only found myself depressed twice. Once was being because I had take a break after this first stint and the second being a heartbreak.

The conclusion is, this emotional and mental states comes mostly from trying to live a life that is expected of me. Not having the freedom to do what I want to do and when. Basically, I get sad when I’m not being a “selfish” “bad-ass”.

There is one other reason I get depressed. It’s when I’m not making images, taking photographs. The other day I was spending time with my Uyghur contacts here and I felt great afterwards. Almost on top of the world. It blew those grey clouds away for the time being.

Maybe some of you are thinking, “Quit your crying…YOU are living the dream”. I’m stuck at my 9-5 job and all these responsibilities.” Granted.

There are plenty of things YOU have that I would love to have. Rather than crying yourself to sleep in a bunk bed with 7 Chinese people snoring…I bet you have a friend(s) you can call up and have a beer with – or just talk it out.

Maybe you get to sleep next a warm body that loves you every night.

You have deadlines, appointments, and places to go and people to see. A schedule. Wow…I would love a schedule right now. Something to tell me when to do what.

I’m just saying…don’t overlook all the wonderful things YOU have in your life that some of us don’t. Things that we (solo cyclists) would love to have.

YOU are more real than ME.

This is an image…a personality. Eleanor Moseman, the “Wander Cyclist”, is only a facet of the person that is sitting behind this computer pecking out her edited for public consumption thoughts, ideas, and feelings.

Even if this chick is an illusion, I hope you’ll continue to follow my future Adventures, and failures.

So, now what. Well, I’ll continue to work my way into this photo project. But in the meantime, I’m thinking of going for a bike ride somewhere for a couple of weeks. I can’t tell you where…seriously.

The End…?