Fellas, some general rules when you meet that babe on a bike.

I feel that most of these rules can also be applied to daily life, on and off tour. Also, ladies, you can apply a lot of these rules to your own actions. Thank you.

First, approach with chivalry, a stoked attitude, smile, a beard of any type, and offer a beverage or snack. (A babe will NEVER think lesser of you for kindness.)

– Do not bitch about how she can not ride as hard or fast as you. Do not complain about having to wait up for her. If you have a problem, offer to take some of the weight in exchange for volume. Honestly, if someone offered to take my weight, I would probably say, “no”…but we’ll see how I handle that in any future situations.

– We are still women/ladies even though we may live like a beastly animal and be a babe. Please remember this and treat said babe as you would your sister or mother. We still have feelings.

– Approach the flat repair with care. If the babe is having a “bad day” she may snap if you offer help bc she may feel you are doubting her babe ability. If sheis having a good day, perhaps offer to change the flat but if she is a real babe, she can do it herself and as quickly. Depending on the situation. This is tricky…perhaps only offer help if the babe is getting frustrated and you can approach the situation without insulting her. Such as feeding a baby bear…

– Do not expect the babe to do the cooking and clean-up…you will get bitch slapped.

– Privacy for the daily “activities” is always appreciated. No PEEKING!

– When chillin’ in the hot springs/lakes/rivers…keep your eyes to yourself and behave. A little curiosity is okay, but don’t let the babe catch you. Don’t kid yourself and think the babe isn’t thinking about sneaking a peek.

– When we use our lady appeal to get situations taken care, freebies, or just takin’ care of business…please give us some thanks. Realize that we may feel like a cheap prostitute using our babe powers to get what we want. We will, in return, thank you when you whore yourself out as well.

– When said negotiating is taking place and the babe is responsible because of language skills DO NOT throw tantrums on the side line about the price. First, you will embarrass yourself and just frustrate the working lady. We have too much to deal with and we don’t need you over there behaving like a 7 year old. If we wanted to travel with kids, we would.

– Do not expect the babe to work her babe skills for negotiating/etc just b/c she is the babe. Although, if she is awesome, she will take up the challenge without a second thought. Both should know their skills and when to use them in the appropriate situation.

– NEVER EVER EVER…AND I REPEAT…NEVER…CAN I SAY THIS AGAIN…NEVER EVER doubt our map reading or navigational skills. You will see hell. (Ladies DO NOT LET ME DOWN…if you plan on riding…please rep us well.)

– When the babe tells locals that that you are married, for safety issues and just because it’s easier…please do not tell them you are not, later on while pointing in said babe’s direction giving a disgusted look and waving your hands around. (Locals do questions why a “couple” have separate tents. Now, I’m not sure what my reason was for that but I told them something. I experimented with all different situations of who we were, husband/wife or brother/sister seems to work the best.)

– If the babe has the language skills and is pulling your weight, do not give her shit in a restaurant or bus station when her reading skills are limited. How about this, for anyone, man or woman…show a little gratitude and thanks when someone is doing the best they can to take care of the team. This goes around for bike touring and life…again, don’t be a selfish jerk.

– Do not flirt with the local women so obviously (and borderline vulgar) in front of your partner. That makes her look like dog shit to most locals – it’s just down right insulting. Sure, we understand you have desires and wandering eyes…but just don’t do it so blatantly next to the lady. How about this, just be a damn gentleman to the local woman…that will take care of this point all together. Don’t be a douchey perv.

– Please await our arrival up the pass…and not to sell babe power short, the babe will await your arrival too!

– It is okay to spend the day riding alone, please don’t be hurt if we want some alone time. Check your cell phone for texts.

– Grow a beard.

– When you arrive to the 3rmb “shower place” – do not be an asshole because she took 20 minutes. (Alert: We are still ladies and enjoy a hot 50 cent shower every now and again.)

– Again, don’t be a jerk.

– We are women, there are things we physically can not do. Do not be an ass about it. (Women, get some muscles.)

– Again, DO NOT EVER, EVER…AGAIN…NEVER DOUBT her babe skills. (Ladies, do not ever emasculate a man on the road.)

– Granted, some of us babes are not the best mechanics. It’s much appreciated when you sit with us and guide us through hub maintenance and spoke repair. Do not just throw a tool in our hand and say, “do it”! and walk away. Seriously, wanna turn on a lady…help her with mechanics. Talk her through it and it’s a great time to show off your manly skills. Again, greatly appreciated.

– When setting up camp, aka squatting in parks or cities, take turns doing the beer run. Should be a 50/50 endeavor. Hey, actually, everything should be a 50/50 endeavor…anytime, anywhere.

– Compliment the babe’s bike. It means the world to her, as your’s does to you. If she offers you to give it a ride…you have made it to “buddy” level. Don’t be snarky about anything about her bike…ladies, be sure you return the compliments.

– Try to offer good conversation. It is also nice if you listen every now and again. Camp conversation revolving around you can get boring at times. Yeah, while we are on that one…be a good listener. In general…when it comes to discussing route/etc. Please do not be a “know it all”.

– Bottom line: Don’t be a douche, don’t doubt skills, do not expect the partner to take on more than 50% of responsibility…this goes for BOTH riders!

And ladies…don’t EVER expect a man to take on more than his responsibility. Don’t be a twat and be well prepared. Do not expect extra muscle power from him, do not expect for him to take on duties because he is a man. Do not whine, do not bitch, do not nag (he probably is running away from that shit at home) and keep your crying to a minimum…and hopefully somewhere private. In all reality, the crying is just because you need some private/deflation time. Men, do not joke the lady if you see her crying – again – you must realize we are different creatures.

Also, ladies, be sure to help the dude not use his beard as Tupperware. Don’t be afraid to offer help for picking knots and the beginning of dreads out of your male partner’s hair. It will probably be appreciated. Just be a lady, it’s as simple as that.

Comments are greatly appreciated, especially rules for babes meeting that dude on a bike.